Tuesday, October 13, 2009


This weekend I was reading the coverage that Susan Polgar was giving GM-Elect Ray Robson on his winning his last norm to become a grandmaster. Although we do not know Ray Robson, we are extremely proud that he became a grandmaster at age 14, I can only imagine how his parents must be feeling at this time.

However, as I was reading the articles on Ray Robson, I ventured into reading the comments by her readers on America's newest grandmaster, and one struck me to be so funny - I had to publish it!

The anonymous writer wrote his point of view on how to "LOOK AS A CHESS GENIUS" when you are a patzer.

I simply laughed at his comment and I hope you will enjoy it as well.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

So you've probably figured about by now that chess is hard. You've also probably figured out by now there are a lot of good chess players out there. Too many in fact.

That makes becoming a world class player a very daunting task. Let's be honest, it would be great to win the admiration of your peers with your chess prowess wouldn't it? It would be great for them to look at you and say "hey what do you think about this position?" As far as I'm concerned there are really only two ways to do that.

A. Obtain a rating higher than 2000.
B. Fake it.

Achieving number 1 can take a lifetime of reading books, playing games, studying, analysis, dedication, effort, sacrifice. However, achieving number 2 can be done by the time you finish reading this article. Since one of these two goals is achievable in the next five minutes I suggest we go with that one.

I'm lazy. No, really, I am. I will probably never get to 2000. I can accept that fact. What I cannot accept is people thinking I'm an idiot. So in order to circumvent looking foolish, I have created a ten step program that I am willing to share with you out of the goodness of my heart. Best of luck in your chess faking endeavors.
Ten Ways to Make Yourself Look

Like a Chess Genius

1. "Yeah but that creates a backward pawn on an open file." This statement is a winner! Make sure you throw this out at least 4 times in a given night, regardless of the situation being discussed.

2. Change your last name to something that's impossible to spell and speak with any kind of an accent, make one up if you have to. I'm telling you, when you walk around and talk with an accent people automatically bump you a class rating.

3. If someone is showing an endgame puzzle or something, make up a famous game that it's from. Like several weeks back I was at an out of town tournament and I proudly announced the position they were studying was from Morphy versus Lasker in 1799. Everyone was so amazed by my brilliance they just starred at me in silence.

4. "I played Joel Benjamin in an online simul the other night, he was putting some pressure on me, so I traded into a bishops of opposite color endgame and forced a draw." Proudly announce this in chess club, but make sure you act like it's no big deal. Use your accent.

5. Walk by someone playing a game and just kind of snicker. When they look up at you say "oh, sorry, I just spotted a forced win. Look for it, it's there."

6. When confronted with a puzzle make sure to put on your best concentration face. Sink your eyebrows. A hand gesture of some sort over your mouth is mandatory. Then all at once say, "Wow! That's clever. I don't want to ruin it for everyone else so I'm not going to say anything." Walk away before someone gets a chance to call you out on it.

7. Convince people you are Garry Kasparov.

8. Reference a ficticious book you helped a Grandmaster author. Sound smarmy. "If you're having trouble converting endgames check out 'Endgame for total Morons' that I co-authored with Bobby Fischer in '97"

9. Make casual references to your 'students' and 'understudies'. For example, "Yeah a student of mine made a similar mistake in his game the other night that you just made, it cost him the Class B tournament prize."

10. This is by far the most important rule so pay attention. Never, ever, ever play a game over the board.

That's it! Master these ten rules and you are well on your way to fake chess mastery!

Monday, October 12, 2009 2:00:00 PM CDT

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